A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"
Wednesday 28 November 2007
Wednesday 14 November 2007
Used condoms recycled as hair ties
BEIJING, CHINA — Used condoms are being recycled into hair bands and hair ties in southern China, threatening to spread sexually-transmittable diseases they were originally meant to prevent, state media reported yesterday.
In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, the China Daily newspaper said.
"These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," it said.
Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said. "People could be infected with Aids, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns," the daily quoted a local dermatologist as saying.
A bag of 10 of the recycled bands sells for just 25 fen (4 cents), much cheaper than others on the market, accounting for their popularity, the newspaper said.
A government official was quoted as saying that recycling condoms was illegal. China's manufacturing industry has been tarnished this year by a string of scandals involving shoddy or dangerous goods made for domestic and foreign markets. It has launched a public relations blitz aimed at playing up efforts to strengthen monitoring systems. — AFP
HAZARD: These hair ties made from used condoms may harbour diseases such as Aids.
In the latest example of potentially harmful Chinese-made products, rubber hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou cities in southern Guangdong province, the China Daily newspaper said.
"These cheap and colourful rubber bands and hair ties sell well ... threatening the health of local people," it said.
Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still contain bacteria and viruses, it said. "People could be infected with Aids, (genital) warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns," the daily quoted a local dermatologist as saying.
A bag of 10 of the recycled bands sells for just 25 fen (4 cents), much cheaper than others on the market, accounting for their popularity, the newspaper said.
A government official was quoted as saying that recycling condoms was illegal. China's manufacturing industry has been tarnished this year by a string of scandals involving shoddy or dangerous goods made for domestic and foreign markets. It has launched a public relations blitz aimed at playing up efforts to strengthen monitoring systems. — AFP
HAZARD: These hair ties made from used condoms may harbour diseases such as Aids.
Tuesday 10 July 2007
Sexy Statistic on Green Issues
Want the Real Deal? Here's where the rubber meets the road.
1. According to the Environment Agency of Britain, it is estimated that between 60 and 100 million condoms are improperly disposed of each year in the UK. (link)
2. The research group TNO conducted a study for Greenpeace Netherlands and found 7 out of 8 sex toys they tested contained phthalates in concentrations ranging from 24 to 51 percent. (link)
3. The US has one of highest rates of unintended pregnancies of industrialized nations: almost half of the six million pregnancies each year in the US are unintentional. (link)
4. Worldwide, more than one in five adults has used a vibrator.
5. According to the 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey, 22% of people worldwide have had sex in the garden.
Source: liveearth.msn.com/green/htgsexlife2
1. According to the Environment Agency of Britain, it is estimated that between 60 and 100 million condoms are improperly disposed of each year in the UK. (link)
2. The research group TNO conducted a study for Greenpeace Netherlands and found 7 out of 8 sex toys they tested contained phthalates in concentrations ranging from 24 to 51 percent. (link)
3. The US has one of highest rates of unintended pregnancies of industrialized nations: almost half of the six million pregnancies each year in the US are unintentional. (link)
4. Worldwide, more than one in five adults has used a vibrator.
5. According to the 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey, 22% of people worldwide have had sex in the garden.
Source: liveearth.msn.com/green/htgsexlife2
Friday 29 June 2007
SEX
for men only...
You may want to take that laptop off your lap. Portable computers can heat up to 158 degrees inside. After an hour, that can raise the temperature of your testes by 3.6 degrees, nearly twice what it takes to harm fertility.
For better sex, crank the thermostat way, way up. Working on the same concept as Bikram, or hot, yoga, this momentary splurge on your heating bill will have you breaking the social taboo of getting sweaty together. Taboo-breaking ups her vulnerability and makes her feel closer to you. Plus, everything will just be a whole lot slipperier.
To get your partner in the mood, turn down the Barry White and feed her Good & Plenty. In a study by noted Chicago smell researcher Dr. Alan Hirsch, women exposed to the scent of licorice experienced a 13 percent increase in vaginal blood flow. That compares to a 14 percent reduction from the scent of barbecue smoke.
In a related study by Hirsch on penile blood flow, topping the men's list was an interesting pairing of lavender extract and...pumpkin pie. The number two slot? Licorice and doughnuts.
If you think yoga is a great way to meet hot women, think again -- it's a great way to meet hot, turned-on women. Certain poses, such as the eagle, direct blood flow to a woman's pelvis, increasing sensation, says Rutgers sex researcher Beverly Whipple.
You may want to take that laptop off your lap. Portable computers can heat up to 158 degrees inside. After an hour, that can raise the temperature of your testes by 3.6 degrees, nearly twice what it takes to harm fertility.
For better sex, crank the thermostat way, way up. Working on the same concept as Bikram, or hot, yoga, this momentary splurge on your heating bill will have you breaking the social taboo of getting sweaty together. Taboo-breaking ups her vulnerability and makes her feel closer to you. Plus, everything will just be a whole lot slipperier.
To get your partner in the mood, turn down the Barry White and feed her Good & Plenty. In a study by noted Chicago smell researcher Dr. Alan Hirsch, women exposed to the scent of licorice experienced a 13 percent increase in vaginal blood flow. That compares to a 14 percent reduction from the scent of barbecue smoke.
In a related study by Hirsch on penile blood flow, topping the men's list was an interesting pairing of lavender extract and...pumpkin pie. The number two slot? Licorice and doughnuts.
If you think yoga is a great way to meet hot women, think again -- it's a great way to meet hot, turned-on women. Certain poses, such as the eagle, direct blood flow to a woman's pelvis, increasing sensation, says Rutgers sex researcher Beverly Whipple.
Saturday 23 June 2007
Female Circumcision
Cairo
November 24, 2006 - 11:31AM
A Egyptian conference of Muslim scholars from around the world declared female circumcision to be contrary to Islam and an attack on women, and called today for those who practice it to be punished.
The conference, organised by the German human rights group TARGET, recommended that governments pass laws to prohibit the tradition and that judicial bodies prosecute those who mutilate female genitals.
"The conference appeals to all Muslims to stop practicing this habit, according to Islam's teachings which prohibit inflicting harm on any human being," the participants said in their final statement.
Egypt's two top Islamic clerics, Mohammed Sayed Tantawi, the Grand Sheik of Al-Azhar, the foremost theological institute in the Sunni Muslim world, and Grand Mufti Ali Gomaa, attended the conference, which drew scholars from as far afield as Russia.
Tantawi's and Gomaa's edicts are considered binding.
Female circumcision, which involves cutting the clitoris, continues to be practiced in many parts of sub-Saharan Africa as well as Egypt, Yemen and Oman, despite numerous campaigns against it.
Those men who support the tradition believe it lowers a girl's sexual desire and helps maintain her honour. They also believe it is required by Islam.
The scholars said circumcision inflicts physical and mental harm on women. Furthermore, they said, Islam considers it to be an aggression against women. Those who perform it should be punished.
"The conference reminds all teaching and media institutions of their role to explain to the people the harmful effects of this habit in order to eliminate it," the scholars said in their recommendations.
"The conference calls on judicial institutions to issue laws that prohibit and criminalise this habit ... which appeared in several societies and was adopted by some Muslims although it is not sanctioned by the Quran or the Sunna," the scholars said, referring to Islam's holy book and the sayings and deeds of Prophet Muhammad.
Although many countries have outlawed female circumcision, the law is poorly enforced and prosecutions are rare.
In the 1950s, the Egyptian government tried to stop midwives from performing the custom, while allowing doctors to do so - fearing that otherwise families who insisted on circumcising their daughters would have the operation carried out in unsafe conditions. But in 1996, the health minister imposed a total ban on the practice.
November 24, 2006 - 11:31AM
A Egyptian conference of Muslim scholars from around the world declared female circumcision to be contrary to Islam and an attack on women, and called today for those who practice it to be punished.
The conference, organised by the German human rights group TARGET, recommended that governments pass laws to prohibit the tradition and that judicial bodies prosecute those who mutilate female genitals.
"The conference appeals to all Muslims to stop practicing this habit, according to Islam's teachings which prohibit inflicting harm on any human being," the participants said in their final statement.
Egypt's two top Islamic clerics, Mohammed Sayed Tantawi, the Grand Sheik of Al-Azhar, the foremost theological institute in the Sunni Muslim world, and Grand Mufti Ali Gomaa, attended the conference, which drew scholars from as far afield as Russia.
Tantawi's and Gomaa's edicts are considered binding.
Female circumcision, which involves cutting the clitoris, continues to be practiced in many parts of sub-Saharan Africa as well as Egypt, Yemen and Oman, despite numerous campaigns against it.
Those men who support the tradition believe it lowers a girl's sexual desire and helps maintain her honour. They also believe it is required by Islam.
The scholars said circumcision inflicts physical and mental harm on women. Furthermore, they said, Islam considers it to be an aggression against women. Those who perform it should be punished.
"The conference reminds all teaching and media institutions of their role to explain to the people the harmful effects of this habit in order to eliminate it," the scholars said in their recommendations.
"The conference calls on judicial institutions to issue laws that prohibit and criminalise this habit ... which appeared in several societies and was adopted by some Muslims although it is not sanctioned by the Quran or the Sunna," the scholars said, referring to Islam's holy book and the sayings and deeds of Prophet Muhammad.
Although many countries have outlawed female circumcision, the law is poorly enforced and prosecutions are rare.
In the 1950s, the Egyptian government tried to stop midwives from performing the custom, while allowing doctors to do so - fearing that otherwise families who insisted on circumcising their daughters would have the operation carried out in unsafe conditions. But in 1996, the health minister imposed a total ban on the practice.
Wednesday 20 June 2007
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and, as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," then turns to the ostrich."What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress then asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress then asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Thursday 10 May 2007
Bill Gates vs. General Motors
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate their computer!
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate their computer!
Monday 7 May 2007
3 Corporate Lessons
Lesson One : An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two : A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson : Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three : A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson :
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Management Lesson : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two : A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson : Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three : A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson :
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Saturday 5 May 2007
Dress Code
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."
Tuesday 17 April 2007
Cat listening to music
click on the images to see the animation...
Cat listening to Stevie Wonder
Cat listening to HOUSE music
Cat listening to Metal
Cat listening to Hip Hop
Cat listening to GANGSTA RAP
Cat listening to Techno (on Ecstasy)
Cat listening to Stevie Wonder
Cat listening to HOUSE music
Cat listening to Metal
Cat listening to Hip Hop
Cat listening to GANGSTA RAP
Cat listening to Techno (on Ecstasy)Monday 16 April 2007
For parents and parents to be
How would you react when you receive such a letter?
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home.
I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too -even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home.
I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too -even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
Sunday 15 April 2007
the secret to making a marriage last
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage.
8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
10. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....I said, "Dust!"
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage.
8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
10. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....I said, "Dust!"
Saturday 14 April 2007
Toilet Poems
Excellent poems by not so famous poets...
found on toilet doors and walls..........
A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky,
You had your chance.
I tried to fart,
And shit in my pants!
Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink.
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Singapore Fire Department wants you.
Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too!.. Please.
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance.
And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...
Please aim properly.
found on toilet doors and walls..........
A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
Someone who had a different experience wrote,
You're lucky,
You had your chance.
I tried to fart,
And shit in my pants!
Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink.
But all I do
Is sit and think.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space.......
(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Singapore Fire Department wants you.
Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too!.. Please.
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated
throughout the entire performance.
And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...
Please aim properly.
Friday 13 April 2007
The story of a Red Indian - Onestone
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And what is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it.
You're going to love this! :-)
And the moral is...
................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And what is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess!
Think about it.
You're going to love this! :-)
And the moral is...
................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!
Thursday 12 April 2007
mobile phone tips
THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELLPHONE COULD DO...
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for
survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: -
*EMERGENCY*
*I*
*The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112.* If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. **Try it out.**
*II*
*Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys?*
This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*
*III*
Subject: Hidden Battery power
Imagine your cell battery is very low, you are expecting an important call and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
AND
*IV*
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for
survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: -
*EMERGENCY*
*I*
*The Emergency Number worldwide for **Mobile** is 112.* If you find yourself out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. **Try it out.**
*II*
*Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car? Does you car have remote keys?*
This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone:
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"*
*III*
Subject: Hidden Battery power
Imagine your cell battery is very low, you are expecting an important call and you don't have a charger. Nokia instrument comes with a reserve battery. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.
AND
*IV*
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. when your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
Wednesday 11 April 2007
weird facts
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
The reason fire-houses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCA RY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this message will try to lick his elbow.
So, did you try to lick your elbow?
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
The reason fire-houses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCA RY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this message will try to lick his elbow.
So, did you try to lick your elbow?
Tuesday 10 April 2007
Funny letter from India
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. But I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way, I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece we should remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
Monday 9 April 2007
Marriage
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
- Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives And the wife takes.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-- Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
-- Freud
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."
- Colin Chapman
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife only has 2 complaints.
Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The Thief spends less than my wife did.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "multi-millionaire".
- Sacha Guitry
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
- Montaigne
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-- Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives And the wife takes.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-- Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?
-- Freud
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
They gave him love and he invented marriage.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much."
- Colin Chapman
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife only has 2 complaints.
Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The Thief spends less than my wife did.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, "multi-millionaire".
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